There is a purpose that pulls at my heart every single time I sit down to write. That purpose is the mission I feel most called to, which is to share my story of finding hope when things felt hopeless. I aim to do this, because there have been times in my life when hope didn’t feel altogether possible, and my ability to believe in it was nearly lost. In those times, there is one simple thing I wish I could have said to my former self:
How you feel right now in this moment, does
not have to be how it will always be.
This is a message of hope. I have learned that even when logic stands completely against you, it truly is possible for things to get better. Even when I found myself in a place of despair that became entirely too comfortable to sit in, I needed to believe in hope.
I needed to believe in hope when my parents’ marriage fell apart, and I sat by helplessly as everything I thought I’d known about family and love evaporated before my eyes. I needed this when I lost my mom, and I suddenly felt more isolated and alone than I ever had before. I needed this when I was doing my very best to navigate the journey of growing up, in the face of overwhelming insecurity and self-doubt. I needed this when I was in the darkest depths of my battle with anxiety. I needed it when I went through a particularly painful era, where getting myself out of bed in the morning was a feat in and of itself. I needed this when I felt unstable in a world that was spinning far too quickly, and I had lost all sense of direction and home.
Even in those darkest times … And even when I could barely see it … There was always a glimmer of hope.
In the depths of despair, this can be hard to believe. My friends, please believe me when I say that I get it. Holding onto hope for better takes incredible strength that can be altogether impossible to tap into when all of your energy is going into getting through the day-to-day. For this reason, I believe it is imperative we surround ourselves with friends who love us hard enough to hope on our behalf, when we don’t have the energy to do it ourselves. When we don’t believe in the possibility of better, it makes a world of a difference to have friends who believe in it for the both of us. I am so grateful to have spent my lifetime surrounded my people just like that.
The truth is, when I first lost my mom, I couldn’t have believed there would come a day when I’d be at peace with our loss. I could have never believed that I’d eventually feel gratitude for the most painful parts of my journey. When I couldn’t, my nearest and dearest friends became my greatest strength. Through them, that glimmer of hope never faded away entirely. And eventually, these things came true.
It turns out, the way I felt in those darkest moments was never permanent. I learned that feelings are fleeting and temporary. While some wounds certainly leave scars that will stay with us forever, there is still hope in the most hopeless of moments.
My life definitely hasn’t turned out the way I expected. I’d give anything to have my mom here with me today. And the truth is, I still hold onto a lot of pain surrounding the loss of my nuclear family after the dissolution of my parents marriage. After all, I can’t help but imagine the life that could have been.
But in spite of what’s been lost, I have chosen to focus on what has also been gained. For all that I’ve gained, I am unspeakably grateful. For all that’s yet to come – I have hope.
Readers, if you are in the thick of ‘it‘ right now, whatever ‘it‘ may be for you – please hear me out.
Even if you don’t believe things will ever feel better for you, I believe enough for the both of us.
Even if you’ve lost sight of hope, I will hope hard enough for not just me – but you too.
Even if your pain has become so stagnant that you’re not sure you even want to feel better, please know that I want it for you.
I don’t know if any of this means anything to you at all. In fact, I realize that some of this caring on your behalf may feel a little unsolicited, and I apologize if it does. The point remains however, that even the deepest darkness, we are never alone.
I believe that when I found myself in the worst moments of my life, when I could barely see that faint glimmer of hope, the only reason I was able to hold on was because of the people who loved me harder than I could love myself. For that reason, I’d like to extend an offer of the same to you.